Are your friends Tonic or Toxic?

Whilst sitting at a wedding reception yesterday waiting for my table's turn to be served, my mind suddenly engaged a a thought on the Power of Associations. I zeroed in on friends and their impact or influence in our lives. I decided to jot down my thoughts in my diary and that's what I am sharing with you today.

Every friend impacts on your life positively or negatively. I dare say that our friendships play a crucial role in determining what we become. What we achieve and what we fail to accomplish can be traced to our friendships. Some of our mindsets have come about because of friendships. Some of us compromise on our values because of the influence of certain associations.

Tonic friends are the real deal. They are the friends everyone should pray to have. They are the encouragers, inspirers and motivators. They also wouldn't shy away from telling you the truth should you go wrong, albeit, with love. They are the ones who see your weaknesses but do not use it as a weapon against you but rather help you to overcome such weaknesses and challenges and turn it to an advantage.

Tonic friends will make allowances for your imperfections and shortcomings. They accept and embrace who you are and what you could be. They do not try to impose their way of life and thinking on you. They help boost your self-confidence and supercharge you to achieve more by offering encouraging words and deeds. They help you to look beyond your present limitations or difficulties and see unlimited possibilities. They are such a joy to be around.

Some folks believe they can be in any friendship even if there is toxicity and not be affected by it. To such I say good luck, if there is any. Perhaps the admonition of Apostle Paul and the wisdom of King Solomon will help you revise your notes. Listen to them: "Do not be deceived: for evil (toxic) company (friendship) corrupts good habits" - (1 Corinthians 15:33 emphasis mine). Solomon echoes similar sentiments when he said: "He who walks with wise men (tonic friends) will be wise, but the companion of fools (toxic friends) will be destroyed." - (Proverbs 13:20 emphasis mine). So you become who you associate with. Think about it!

I guess the natural question that comes up now is: So how do I know if my friend is toxic? Here are a few signs or characteristics that will help you identify toxic friends or toxicity in your friendship.

Dr. Jean Bermann, a psychologist, says "a toxic friend is someone who, after spending time with them makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you - sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally."

Toxic friends pull you down; they talk down to you, always questioning your decisions and initiatives. They have the attitude that their world is better than yours and think they know better than you do and often pass sarcastic remarks, though laced with humour, are often insulting, hurting your self-esteem and self-worth. You always feel uneasy when they are around.

Need I say, that some toxic friends also think that their world is worse than yours. When you share with them what you are going through, instead of offering encouragement and support they rather tell you of their problems and how you are better placed than they are.

Toxic friends stress you out, use you, and are unreliable and overly demanding. For instance if you’ve lost a job or having a chronic health challenge, they will want to know the minutest detail of whatever challenges you are going through yet they will not offer to help in anyway. They see you as an object of pity when all you need is encouragement to heal and get back on your feet.

Their mantra is “I’m just being forthright” when they are being overly critical

So, just how do I deal with my toxic friends or toxic friendships?
Epictetus, the Greek Stoic philosopher, once said: “It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

Acknowledge the toxicity. It has often been said, that the first step to solving a problem is to recognise that there is a problem. So first acknowledge that there is toxicity in your friendship. They may not be toxic to others but certainly they are to you and it’s your choice to continue in such a friendship and keep getting hurt, or you take the bold step to limit contact with such a friend. Most times we feel trapped in such friendships probably because of the history – you’ve been friends since elementary school or high school.

Take charge of your life. If you want people to like you, get along with everyone and it’s hard to say no to people without feeling guilty you have become a people-pleaser and you cannot deal with a toxic friendship and go on and have meaningful relationships when you have a people-pleaser mentality. Take charge of your life. Believe in yourself.

Establish your boundaries. Be bold to say no without feeling guilty when your friend asks for something you don’t have or cannot give. Toxic friends have a penchant to making you feel guilty for abandonment when they fail to monopolise your time. For instance failing to pick their calls because you were busy is interpreted as abandonment.

Suggest professional help. I believe honesty and sincerity are crucial to the growth of every relationship. Your toxic friends are not inherently bad in themselves; perhaps, they've become so due to the environment in which they were raised. If you were raised in a home where your parents were very critical of you and even people outside your nuclear family you may end up becoming very critical of other people as well. Some even mistaken such behaviour as being forthright.

I hope this information is of some help to you as you seek to cultivate meaningful and productive friendships. Cheerio…