Happiness is a Decision

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterised by contentment, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

Being happy and staying happy is the desire of every human being on the surface of the earth, and I dare say even animals as well. You seldom find someone celebrating unhappiness or being sorrowful. It doesn't click, does it?

I often hear people state how unhappy they are about one thing or the other, and I use to do same until about a decade ago I learnt how to deal with unhappiness and accept the truth that Happiness is a choice.

For many people, achieving this state of happiness is a mirage - something very elusive. Some have sought for happiness in women, men, sex, marriage, religion, fame, sports, movies, soap operas, books, drugs, alcohol, just to mention a few. When these stuff seem to be offering them some sort of "happiness' (call it relief, if you want) then it all vanishes again and they are back in the dungeons of depression and unhappiness.

Dear friend, material things and other people cannot make us happy. I will agree that they could be channels or avenues through which we access the happiness we want in our lives, but they cannot in themselves offer us happiness. Happiness is something only we can create; only we can make ourselves happy.

True happiness, as I have come to find out is within you, not in the world outside. Many years ago whilst reading the gospel of St. John, verse one of chapter fourteen jumped at me and arrested my attention. In fact, the meaning I received from the statement made by the Lord Jesus Christ transformed my life so dramatically.

"Let not your heart be troubled..." (John 14:1)

I understood that the state of my heart is determined by me, not outward events or circumstances. That the condition and function of my heart is my own creation and not my current location or circumstances. That I have power to determine how I feel and how I react to any event. It's an inside job!

Friends, as much as we might like to, we cannot control certain events in our lives, and we cannot control others too. We can only control our own thoughts, emotions and actions. That is why Jesus said to his disciples , "Let not your heart be troubled..." He was essentially saying to them: "Guys, you've got the control panel and you decide what happens on the inside of you."

Do not give your heart the permission to be troubled. You have the power to determine the behaviour or, if you like, the state and function of your heart by the decisions and choices you make. So, how happy you are, or otherwise, is up to you - it's your decision, your choice. I guess Abraham Lincoln puts it even more succinctly when he said: " Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

A technique I use to enjoy each day, no matter how bad it seems to go, is to acknowledge and affirm that it's still the day the Lord has made for my rejoicing and gladness.

"This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24). Notice the Psalmist says, "we will rejoice and be glad in it" indicating that it is your decision and choice. I guess he says so because in each day are sufficient resources to help you make it worth living. Listen to the Psalmist again: "Blessed be the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits..." (Psalm 68:19)

Although Jesus acknowledge that each day has got it's own peculiar challenges when he said, "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34 NASB), it is equally important to acknowledge that each day has got enough resources to help us overcome whatever challenges there may be and make it a productive day.

It is not what happens to you that is important, only what you choose to do with the experiences and the conclusions you draw about yourself because of them that matters. So, it is not outward circumstances that determine your happiness; it's your decision and choice. However challenging or troubling the events and circumstances of your life and work may be, you still can overcome it and live a happy life. Decide to be happy. Every blessing...

Making Effective Decisions and Choices

Life is about decisions, not conditions.

One of the things I do often is thinking. I am always running stuff through my mind with the view of gaining some insight into it. I realised how decisions, whether good or bad, shapes the outcome of my life, and I guess that of everyone else’s.

I believe one of God’s greatest gift to man (or humankind, if you prefer), is the gift of choice, which operates in us as freewill – the ability to make decisions and choose what we want. We can choose to serve God or Satan, do good or evil, serve others or live selfishly. It is totally up to us.

The Genesis story of creation reveals that God created man in His own image and likeness (Genesis 1:28). The next thing God did with the man He had created was to put him in a garden (Eden), which is a place of His presence. God’s greatest desire was that man would be like Him, act like Him and live with Him. So He wanted to enjoy eternal fellowship with mankind.

The power to make decisions is something we all have; yet a few of us use it. Whether we want to love God or not, is absolutely our decision and God wants it so because He wants us to love Him by choice. Voluntary choice is the key – love isn't genuine if there's no other option. I could have chosen any other woman to marry but I chose Gina, my wife, and she made the decision to accept my love so I value her. She is my precious, priceless gem.

It is said that the average person makes about 350 decisions a day. We are always making decisions whether we are aware or not. Many people do not live the life of their dreams not because they do not have the ability to make it happen. They simply do not make the decision to manifest it. Some think they are not good enough whilst others attribute their inability to live their dreams to adverse conditions.

Life , as I have come to know it, is about decisions, not conditions. The fact is: we can experience the life of our dreams irrespective of the circumstances in our life. We must realise that, we, not the government, schools nor parents, are accountable for making that future happen. We can accomplish anything, when we really decide and nothing can stop us.

Life is full of decisions and choices. The decisions and choices we make determine our destiny. Decisions shape our lives. American motivational guru, Tony Robbins, said it well when he noted, “It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped”

There are folks who believe that whatever will be will be. They believe that they have no control over what happens to them. They believe that predetermined destiny rather than their own decisions govern the affairs of their lives. Much as I admit that some of the stuff that happens to us is outside our control, we have the choice as to how we respond to such events. Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. An understanding of this will help make our life more productive and fulfilling.

Dear friend, if you are not satisfied with your life presently, you can change it and set out on the journey to living the life you want. God has somewhat made you a co-creator with Him. When he said to man “be fruitful and multiply and have dominion over everything on the earth” he was essentially saying to man: “I have blessed you to become whatever you want to be”.

He asked man to rule his environment and not for his environment to rule him. Wherever you are on this planet you can make it. Your current environment might take exception to your going forward and becoming fruitful but you were blessed to dominate your environment so unleash that power which is already within you.

Success (fruitfulness), whatever it means to you, is the craving of every human being. That’s why you seldom find anyone celebrating failure. To become what the Creator made you to be starts with a decision. Decide that you are going to think thoughts that empower you and that you are not going to entertain limiting thoughts.

Need I say, that failing to make a decision is a decision in itself? Indecision is a bad decision. Studies have shown that the most successful people make decisions rapidly because they are clear on which direction they are travelling. Studies also show that people who fail usually make a decision slowly.

Do not procrastinate on your dreams or goals. Time is a very important factor to consider when making a decision. A lot of people have missed out on great opportunities because they did not act promptly. Taking one single decision in time has changed the status of big businesses. Many companies went to the top and others bankrupt as a result of decision.

There are different kinds of decisions. They are either compulsory or optional. The fact is, the quality of your decisions determine the quality of your life. Poverty is a result of poor decision-making, whereas wealth is the result of good decision-making. The global credit crunch is said to have come about by bad decisions made by some executives in Corporate America. So, you see, the decisions you make either rewards you or punishes you.

I guess the question that now comes to mind is: So, how can one make quality decisions? Let me proffer a few suggestions:

Reflect on the nature of the challenge. Every decision is a response to a situation. Recognize all problems, no matter how difficult, as opportunities for improvement, and make the most of these opportunities. Think of all possible choices and consider the effects. Will it be permanent or reversible? The Bible says, “The naive believes everything, but the sensible man considers his steps.” (Proverbs 14:15)

Be courageous. Choosing is a courageous act that entails opting for various courses of actions that will define one's destiny. Major decisions require courage. One must have courage to stand by their decisions, take risks, and implement it. You cannot win anything worth mentioning by playing it safe. Courage is doing what you ought to do even when you are afraid. Ambrose Redmoon, puts it more succinctly when he said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”

Some people make bad decisions or give up on their good decision because of a poor self-esteem. Others easily pressure them into doing things even when they recognise that it is not in line with their values and goals.

Evaluate your choices – which one fits most the circumstances of the situation you are trying to overcome. What are the possible down sides of your choices? Who will be affected and how? Consider the cost/benefit ratio? Does the rewards of the decision far outweigh the cost? “Any sensible person acts with knowledge, but a fool displays stupidity.” (Proverbs 13:16)

Seek wise counsel. One of the things I try to do as a leader is to build consensus during decision-making. When you involve team members in the decision making process they will have a sense of ownership of the decision. This generates momentum and helps in its effective implementation. So ask: Who needs to be involved in this decision?

Sometimes it pays to seek professional advice or seek counsel from a mentor. Solomon, observed that “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14) “For by wise counsel you shall make your war…” (Proverbs 24:8). Many people have made a shipwreck of their faith and dreams because they fail to seek counsel when making crucial decisions.

Accept responsibility for your decisions and choices. We are responsible for our own life. Whatever the outcome of your decisions, you are ultimately responsible for it. A lot of people make decisions all the time and when the outcome is not good they try to pass the buck giving all kinds of excuses. So before you decide, think about your decision, consider the consequences of your choices. Because you are responsible for your decisions.

You must note that even when you make good decisions it is likely to encounter some challenges in its implementations. Accept the challenges and resolve never to give up on your decision because of a temporary setback. Continue to work it out; devise new strategies to make it happen and you will surely succeed.

So let’s go out decide your destiny by making sound judgement. Please do share your thoughts on this post by commenting on it so all of us can learn and become better decision makers. God bless. Cheerio…

Are your friends Tonic or Toxic?

Whilst sitting at a wedding reception yesterday waiting for my table's turn to be served, my mind suddenly engaged a a thought on the Power of Associations. I zeroed in on friends and their impact or influence in our lives. I decided to jot down my thoughts in my diary and that's what I am sharing with you today.

Every friend impacts on your life positively or negatively. I dare say that our friendships play a crucial role in determining what we become. What we achieve and what we fail to accomplish can be traced to our friendships. Some of our mindsets have come about because of friendships. Some of us compromise on our values because of the influence of certain associations.

Tonic friends are the real deal. They are the friends everyone should pray to have. They are the encouragers, inspirers and motivators. They also wouldn't shy away from telling you the truth should you go wrong, albeit, with love. They are the ones who see your weaknesses but do not use it as a weapon against you but rather help you to overcome such weaknesses and challenges and turn it to an advantage.

Tonic friends will make allowances for your imperfections and shortcomings. They accept and embrace who you are and what you could be. They do not try to impose their way of life and thinking on you. They help boost your self-confidence and supercharge you to achieve more by offering encouraging words and deeds. They help you to look beyond your present limitations or difficulties and see unlimited possibilities. They are such a joy to be around.

Some folks believe they can be in any friendship even if there is toxicity and not be affected by it. To such I say good luck, if there is any. Perhaps the admonition of Apostle Paul and the wisdom of King Solomon will help you revise your notes. Listen to them: "Do not be deceived: for evil (toxic) company (friendship) corrupts good habits" - (1 Corinthians 15:33 emphasis mine). Solomon echoes similar sentiments when he said: "He who walks with wise men (tonic friends) will be wise, but the companion of fools (toxic friends) will be destroyed." - (Proverbs 13:20 emphasis mine). So you become who you associate with. Think about it!

I guess the natural question that comes up now is: So how do I know if my friend is toxic? Here are a few signs or characteristics that will help you identify toxic friends or toxicity in your friendship.

Dr. Jean Bermann, a psychologist, says "a toxic friend is someone who, after spending time with them makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you - sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally."

Toxic friends pull you down; they talk down to you, always questioning your decisions and initiatives. They have the attitude that their world is better than yours and think they know better than you do and often pass sarcastic remarks, though laced with humour, are often insulting, hurting your self-esteem and self-worth. You always feel uneasy when they are around.

Need I say, that some toxic friends also think that their world is worse than yours. When you share with them what you are going through, instead of offering encouragement and support they rather tell you of their problems and how you are better placed than they are.

Toxic friends stress you out, use you, and are unreliable and overly demanding. For instance if you’ve lost a job or having a chronic health challenge, they will want to know the minutest detail of whatever challenges you are going through yet they will not offer to help in anyway. They see you as an object of pity when all you need is encouragement to heal and get back on your feet.

Their mantra is “I’m just being forthright” when they are being overly critical

So, just how do I deal with my toxic friends or toxic friendships?
Epictetus, the Greek Stoic philosopher, once said: “It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

Acknowledge the toxicity. It has often been said, that the first step to solving a problem is to recognise that there is a problem. So first acknowledge that there is toxicity in your friendship. They may not be toxic to others but certainly they are to you and it’s your choice to continue in such a friendship and keep getting hurt, or you take the bold step to limit contact with such a friend. Most times we feel trapped in such friendships probably because of the history – you’ve been friends since elementary school or high school.

Take charge of your life. If you want people to like you, get along with everyone and it’s hard to say no to people without feeling guilty you have become a people-pleaser and you cannot deal with a toxic friendship and go on and have meaningful relationships when you have a people-pleaser mentality. Take charge of your life. Believe in yourself.

Establish your boundaries. Be bold to say no without feeling guilty when your friend asks for something you don’t have or cannot give. Toxic friends have a penchant to making you feel guilty for abandonment when they fail to monopolise your time. For instance failing to pick their calls because you were busy is interpreted as abandonment.

Suggest professional help. I believe honesty and sincerity are crucial to the growth of every relationship. Your toxic friends are not inherently bad in themselves; perhaps, they've become so due to the environment in which they were raised. If you were raised in a home where your parents were very critical of you and even people outside your nuclear family you may end up becoming very critical of other people as well. Some even mistaken such behaviour as being forthright.

I hope this information is of some help to you as you seek to cultivate meaningful and productive friendships. Cheerio…

Why be a Conformer when you can be a Transformer

To conform is to fit in; to transform is to break out. To conform is to accept the situation, the status quo; to transform is to refuse the situation, to challenge the status quo.

The truth is, we are called to transform, not to conform. When God told Adam and Eve to 'Be fruitful and multiply' He was essentially saying, "change completely from what you are, to what I have ordained you to be". He was saying, "your present situation is not what I have envisioned for you." "Be" means become, or exist as. It's not an adaptation; it's a metamorphosis.

If you are to maximise your gift and become progressively productive in any field of calling, you must have a transformer mentality, not a conformer mentality. You can not bring any change in your community or organisation when you have a conformist attitude. Apostle Paul advises: "be not conformed...but be transformed" (Romans 12:2) Blessings!

Understanding Friendship

Friendship is a distinctively personal relationship that is based on a concern on the part of each friend for the welfare of the other. It is an in-depth relationship combining trust, support, understanding, empathy, and intimacy.

Why do we need friendships?
Friendship is a basic human need. God has created us with a desire for companionship. That’s why he said: “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). The Psalmist observed that God sets the solitary in families (Psalm 68:6).

The relations we get in this world are blood related. The only relationship, which does not relate to blood, is friendship. Thus the saying you don’t get to choose your parents and siblings, but you get to choose your friends. All of us want and need friendships. A friend can help fill many needs in our lives. The need for: Sharing an activity with someone; Communication; Being liked and appreciated; Trusting and being trusted; Confiding in someone.

Popularity does not necessarily mean you have friends who are meeting your needs. Only true/genuine friendships can help meet those needs that each of us have.

There are two kinds of friendships namely: True/genuine friendship, and False/artificial friendship. Someone might ask, 'so how can I distinguish a genuine friendship from a false friendship? Below are a few signs that can help you in such exercise.

Signs of Genuine Friendship

1. Showing kindness towards each other
2. Caring about what is really best for each other, and will have the courage to speak up if a friend is doing something that could be harmful to them and/or others
3. It is built on loyalty and trust. When you have problems a true friend will stand with you and won’t tell the whole world about what you’re going through.
4. You will give of your time, energy and other resources and will feel good about being able to help.

Signs of False Friendship
1. Exploitation (when one person is used by the other; it is based on self interest)
2. Insincerity (saying or doing things that you don't really mean)
3. Compromise (not being true to your values in order to please someone else)
4. Disloyalty or lack of loyalty (not staying by someone when they really need you)

Effects of False Friendship

• Needs are not met.
• It's hurtful and frustrating.
• Experiences can carry over into future relationships because you mistrust the motives of people you would want to trust.

The 4 Basic Levels of Friendship
Friendship has many forms and shapes. Like water or any other liquid, it takes the shape of its container. If you pour the water into a jug it takes the shape of the jug. If you pour the same water into a bowl it takes the shape of the bowl. In the same way friendships will take different shapes and sizes according to our heart’s disposition. There are four basic levels of friendship.

1. Acquaintances
An acquaintance is a person whom one knows slightly; a person with whom one has been in contact but who is not a close friend. Acquaintances are the people you say ‘hi’ to when passing. These are people you see regularly, you know their names and a bit about their lives, you share small talk with them about sports, the weather, fashion, politics etc. They make a pool of potential friends.

2. Casual Friends
These are the people with whom you are comfortable sharing activities and interests. Most friends that you make in a lifetime are casual friends. Casual friends come and go. We find them at work, at school and in many different walks of life. Casual friends are important because there aren’t any emotions involved in a casual friend.

3. Close friends
It takes time and commitment to arrive here. You trust their input and value their opinions.

4. Intimate friends
These are very special and rare friends. You will be fortunate to have five intimate friends in a lifetime. Intimate friends know your weaknesses but are willing to be understanding, challenge you to do or be better, accept the difference between the two of you and will always be there. They may be of the same or opposite sex. You can tell them secrets and not have them told.

When you know the level of each person you relate to, you will be able to avoid some of the stuff that hurts us. Some of the folks you think are close friends may actually be casual friends. In any case, do they consider you as a close friend? So, do an assessment of your friendships and you will be able to know how you are going to relate to people.

How To Make Your Way Prosperous

Let me first of all thank you for visiting my blog. I trust that the information I share here will be beneficial to you. My ultimate desire is that you will be inspired and motivated to live the life that you were created to live.

I did not choose the topic above to show you how you can become super rich, though the principle can help you to become one if that is your goal. The choice of the title was premised on the scripture below:

"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success" (Joshua 1:8 NKJV).

This is one of my favourite Bible verses. In fact, as a young Christian I used it to encourage friends to study and memorise the Word of God. But there are more gems in this scripture than just an admonition to study and memorise the scriptures. The principles contained in this particular verse, I believe, is applicable to any dream or goal pursuit we have. Whatever you journey is, you can use the principles espoused in this scripture verse to arrive at your destination.

Every individual on earth is on a journey. You were sent here for a particular assignment. This assignment is unique to you. For you to accomplish or fulfil this assignment, you have to play your part. Need I say that God always does His part. He always fulfils His responsibility.

God says, in order to make your way ( that is, your course of life) prosperous

• You must have the Book of the Law. Not under your pillow or on your book shelf. No! You must have it in your mouth. You must eat, drink and speak the Word of the Lord - the word of promise. The book of the Law must become your very language. What information do you have and what information do you communicate? Endeavour to know everything about your journey if you are to become successful.
  

• You must meditate (ponder) on it day and night - not occasionally. It means that the Word of promise must occupy your imagination. It should be your predominant thought. You must study it and think about it.
  

• You must observe to do according to all that is written in it. It is not enough to think and speak about the word of promise, you must also do it. Your actions must be aligned to your thinking and language. Obedience to the word of promise must become your primary focus. Someone has said, "Dreams will determine what you want in life...Actions will determine what you get in life." So act on the Word today!

  
  

These are the three amazing steps to making one's way (whatever it is) prosperous. If it worked for Joshua then it will surely work for you today. I will do a follow up writing on this post later. Blessings!