Life is about decisions, not conditions.
One of the things I do often is thinking. I am always running stuff through my mind with the view of gaining some insight into it. I realised how decisions, whether good or bad, shapes the outcome of my life, and I guess that of everyone else’s.
I believe one of God’s greatest gift to man (or humankind, if you prefer), is the gift of choice, which operates in us as freewill – the ability to make decisions and choose what we want. We can choose to serve God or Satan, do good or evil, serve others or live selfishly. It is totally up to us.
The Genesis story of creation reveals that God created man in His own image and likeness (Genesis 1:28). The next thing God did with the man He had created was to put him in a garden (Eden), which is a place of His presence. God’s greatest desire was that man would be like Him, act like Him and live with Him. So He wanted to enjoy eternal fellowship with mankind.
The power to make decisions is something we all have; yet a few of us use it. Whether we want to love God or not, is absolutely our decision and God wants it so because He wants us to love Him by choice. Voluntary choice is the key – love isn't genuine if there's no other option. I could have chosen any other woman to marry but I chose Gina, my wife, and she made the decision to accept my love so I value her. She is my precious, priceless gem.
It is said that the average person makes about 350 decisions a day. We are always making decisions whether we are aware or not. Many people do not live the life of their dreams not because they do not have the ability to make it happen. They simply do not make the decision to manifest it. Some think they are not good enough whilst others attribute their inability to live their dreams to adverse conditions.
Life , as I have come to know it, is about decisions, not conditions. The fact is: we can experience the life of our dreams irrespective of the circumstances in our life. We must realise that, we, not the government, schools nor parents, are accountable for making that future happen. We can accomplish anything, when we really decide and nothing can stop us.
Life is full of decisions and choices. The decisions and choices we make determine our destiny. Decisions shape our lives. American motivational guru, Tony Robbins, said it well when he noted, “It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped”
There are folks who believe that whatever will be will be. They believe that they have no control over what happens to them. They believe that predetermined destiny rather than their own decisions govern the affairs of their lives. Much as I admit that some of the stuff that happens to us is outside our control, we have the choice as to how we respond to such events. Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. An understanding of this will help make our life more productive and fulfilling.
Dear friend, if you are not satisfied with your life presently, you can change it and set out on the journey to living the life you want. God has somewhat made you a co-creator with Him. When he said to man “be fruitful and multiply and have dominion over everything on the earth” he was essentially saying to man: “I have blessed you to become whatever you want to be”.
He asked man to rule his environment and not for his environment to rule him. Wherever you are on this planet you can make it. Your current environment might take exception to your going forward and becoming fruitful but you were blessed to dominate your environment so unleash that power which is already within you.
Success (fruitfulness), whatever it means to you, is the craving of every human being. That’s why you seldom find anyone celebrating failure. To become what the Creator made you to be starts with a decision. Decide that you are going to think thoughts that empower you and that you are not going to entertain limiting thoughts.
Need I say, that failing to make a decision is a decision in itself? Indecision is a bad decision. Studies have shown that the most successful people make decisions rapidly because they are clear on which direction they are travelling. Studies also show that people who fail usually make a decision slowly.
Do not procrastinate on your dreams or goals. Time is a very important factor to consider when making a decision. A lot of people have missed out on great opportunities because they did not act promptly. Taking one single decision in time has changed the status of big businesses. Many companies went to the top and others bankrupt as a result of decision.
There are different kinds of decisions. They are either compulsory or optional. The fact is, the quality of your decisions determine the quality of your life. Poverty is a result of poor decision-making, whereas wealth is the result of good decision-making. The global credit crunch is said to have come about by bad decisions made by some executives in Corporate America. So, you see, the decisions you make either rewards you or punishes you.
I guess the question that now comes to mind is: So, how can one make quality decisions? Let me proffer a few suggestions:
Reflect on the nature of the challenge. Every decision is a response to a situation. Recognize all problems, no matter how difficult, as opportunities for improvement, and make the most of these opportunities. Think of all possible choices and consider the effects. Will it be permanent or reversible? The Bible says, “The naive believes everything, but the sensible man considers his steps.” (Proverbs 14:15)
Be courageous. Choosing is a courageous act that entails opting for various courses of actions that will define one's destiny. Major decisions require courage. One must have courage to stand by their decisions, take risks, and implement it. You cannot win anything worth mentioning by playing it safe. Courage is doing what you ought to do even when you are afraid. Ambrose Redmoon, puts it more succinctly when he said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”
Some people make bad decisions or give up on their good decision because of a poor self-esteem. Others easily pressure them into doing things even when they recognise that it is not in line with their values and goals.
Evaluate your choices – which one fits most the circumstances of the situation you are trying to overcome. What are the possible down sides of your choices? Who will be affected and how? Consider the cost/benefit ratio? Does the rewards of the decision far outweigh the cost? “Any sensible person acts with knowledge, but a fool displays stupidity.” (Proverbs 13:16)
Seek wise counsel. One of the things I try to do as a leader is to build consensus during decision-making. When you involve team members in the decision making process they will have a sense of ownership of the decision. This generates momentum and helps in its effective implementation. So ask: Who needs to be involved in this decision?
Sometimes it pays to seek professional advice or seek counsel from a mentor. Solomon, observed that “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14) “For by wise counsel you shall make your war…” (Proverbs 24:8). Many people have made a shipwreck of their faith and dreams because they fail to seek counsel when making crucial decisions.
Accept responsibility for your decisions and choices. We are responsible for our own life. Whatever the outcome of your decisions, you are ultimately responsible for it. A lot of people make decisions all the time and when the outcome is not good they try to pass the buck giving all kinds of excuses. So before you decide, think about your decision, consider the consequences of your choices. Because you are responsible for your decisions.
You must note that even when you make good decisions it is likely to encounter some challenges in its implementations. Accept the challenges and resolve never to give up on your decision because of a temporary setback. Continue to work it out; devise new strategies to make it happen and you will surely succeed.
So let’s go out decide your destiny by making sound judgement. Please do share your thoughts on this post by commenting on it so all of us can learn and become better decision makers. God bless. Cheerio…
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Are your friends Tonic or Toxic?
Whilst sitting at a wedding reception yesterday waiting for my table's turn to be served, my mind suddenly engaged a a thought on the Power of Associations. I zeroed in on friends and their impact or influence in our lives. I decided to jot down my thoughts in my diary and that's what I am sharing with you today.
Every friend impacts on your life positively or negatively. I dare say that our friendships play a crucial role in determining what we become. What we achieve and what we fail to accomplish can be traced to our friendships. Some of our mindsets have come about because of friendships. Some of us compromise on our values because of the influence of certain associations.
Tonic friends are the real deal. They are the friends everyone should pray to have. They are the encouragers, inspirers and motivators. They also wouldn't shy away from telling you the truth should you go wrong, albeit, with love. They are the ones who see your weaknesses but do not use it as a weapon against you but rather help you to overcome such weaknesses and challenges and turn it to an advantage.
Tonic friends will make allowances for your imperfections and shortcomings. They accept and embrace who you are and what you could be. They do not try to impose their way of life and thinking on you. They help boost your self-confidence and supercharge you to achieve more by offering encouraging words and deeds. They help you to look beyond your present limitations or difficulties and see unlimited possibilities. They are such a joy to be around.
Some folks believe they can be in any friendship even if there is toxicity and not be affected by it. To such I say good luck, if there is any. Perhaps the admonition of Apostle Paul and the wisdom of King Solomon will help you revise your notes. Listen to them: "Do not be deceived: for evil (toxic) company (friendship) corrupts good habits" - (1 Corinthians 15:33 emphasis mine). Solomon echoes similar sentiments when he said: "He who walks with wise men (tonic friends) will be wise, but the companion of fools (toxic friends) will be destroyed." - (Proverbs 13:20 emphasis mine). So you become who you associate with. Think about it!
I guess the natural question that comes up now is: So how do I know if my friend is toxic? Here are a few signs or characteristics that will help you identify toxic friends or toxicity in your friendship.
Dr. Jean Bermann, a psychologist, says "a toxic friend is someone who, after spending time with them makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you - sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally."
Toxic friends pull you down; they talk down to you, always questioning your decisions and initiatives. They have the attitude that their world is better than yours and think they know better than you do and often pass sarcastic remarks, though laced with humour, are often insulting, hurting your self-esteem and self-worth. You always feel uneasy when they are around.
Need I say, that some toxic friends also think that their world is worse than yours. When you share with them what you are going through, instead of offering encouragement and support they rather tell you of their problems and how you are better placed than they are.
Toxic friends stress you out, use you, and are unreliable and overly demanding. For instance if you’ve lost a job or having a chronic health challenge, they will want to know the minutest detail of whatever challenges you are going through yet they will not offer to help in anyway. They see you as an object of pity when all you need is encouragement to heal and get back on your feet.
Their mantra is “I’m just being forthright” when they are being overly critical
So, just how do I deal with my toxic friends or toxic friendships?
Epictetus, the Greek Stoic philosopher, once said: “It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
Acknowledge the toxicity. It has often been said, that the first step to solving a problem is to recognise that there is a problem. So first acknowledge that there is toxicity in your friendship. They may not be toxic to others but certainly they are to you and it’s your choice to continue in such a friendship and keep getting hurt, or you take the bold step to limit contact with such a friend. Most times we feel trapped in such friendships probably because of the history – you’ve been friends since elementary school or high school.
Take charge of your life. If you want people to like you, get along with everyone and it’s hard to say no to people without feeling guilty you have become a people-pleaser and you cannot deal with a toxic friendship and go on and have meaningful relationships when you have a people-pleaser mentality. Take charge of your life. Believe in yourself.
Establish your boundaries. Be bold to say no without feeling guilty when your friend asks for something you don’t have or cannot give. Toxic friends have a penchant to making you feel guilty for abandonment when they fail to monopolise your time. For instance failing to pick their calls because you were busy is interpreted as abandonment.
Suggest professional help. I believe honesty and sincerity are crucial to the growth of every relationship. Your toxic friends are not inherently bad in themselves; perhaps, they've become so due to the environment in which they were raised. If you were raised in a home where your parents were very critical of you and even people outside your nuclear family you may end up becoming very critical of other people as well. Some even mistaken such behaviour as being forthright.
I hope this information is of some help to you as you seek to cultivate meaningful and productive friendships. Cheerio…
Every friend impacts on your life positively or negatively. I dare say that our friendships play a crucial role in determining what we become. What we achieve and what we fail to accomplish can be traced to our friendships. Some of our mindsets have come about because of friendships. Some of us compromise on our values because of the influence of certain associations.
Tonic friends are the real deal. They are the friends everyone should pray to have. They are the encouragers, inspirers and motivators. They also wouldn't shy away from telling you the truth should you go wrong, albeit, with love. They are the ones who see your weaknesses but do not use it as a weapon against you but rather help you to overcome such weaknesses and challenges and turn it to an advantage.
Tonic friends will make allowances for your imperfections and shortcomings. They accept and embrace who you are and what you could be. They do not try to impose their way of life and thinking on you. They help boost your self-confidence and supercharge you to achieve more by offering encouraging words and deeds. They help you to look beyond your present limitations or difficulties and see unlimited possibilities. They are such a joy to be around.
Some folks believe they can be in any friendship even if there is toxicity and not be affected by it. To such I say good luck, if there is any. Perhaps the admonition of Apostle Paul and the wisdom of King Solomon will help you revise your notes. Listen to them: "Do not be deceived: for evil (toxic) company (friendship) corrupts good habits" - (1 Corinthians 15:33 emphasis mine). Solomon echoes similar sentiments when he said: "He who walks with wise men (tonic friends) will be wise, but the companion of fools (toxic friends) will be destroyed." - (Proverbs 13:20 emphasis mine). So you become who you associate with. Think about it!
I guess the natural question that comes up now is: So how do I know if my friend is toxic? Here are a few signs or characteristics that will help you identify toxic friends or toxicity in your friendship.
Dr. Jean Bermann, a psychologist, says "a toxic friend is someone who, after spending time with them makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you - sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally."
Toxic friends pull you down; they talk down to you, always questioning your decisions and initiatives. They have the attitude that their world is better than yours and think they know better than you do and often pass sarcastic remarks, though laced with humour, are often insulting, hurting your self-esteem and self-worth. You always feel uneasy when they are around.
Need I say, that some toxic friends also think that their world is worse than yours. When you share with them what you are going through, instead of offering encouragement and support they rather tell you of their problems and how you are better placed than they are.
Toxic friends stress you out, use you, and are unreliable and overly demanding. For instance if you’ve lost a job or having a chronic health challenge, they will want to know the minutest detail of whatever challenges you are going through yet they will not offer to help in anyway. They see you as an object of pity when all you need is encouragement to heal and get back on your feet.
Their mantra is “I’m just being forthright” when they are being overly critical
So, just how do I deal with my toxic friends or toxic friendships?
Epictetus, the Greek Stoic philosopher, once said: “It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
Acknowledge the toxicity. It has often been said, that the first step to solving a problem is to recognise that there is a problem. So first acknowledge that there is toxicity in your friendship. They may not be toxic to others but certainly they are to you and it’s your choice to continue in such a friendship and keep getting hurt, or you take the bold step to limit contact with such a friend. Most times we feel trapped in such friendships probably because of the history – you’ve been friends since elementary school or high school.
Take charge of your life. If you want people to like you, get along with everyone and it’s hard to say no to people without feeling guilty you have become a people-pleaser and you cannot deal with a toxic friendship and go on and have meaningful relationships when you have a people-pleaser mentality. Take charge of your life. Believe in yourself.
Establish your boundaries. Be bold to say no without feeling guilty when your friend asks for something you don’t have or cannot give. Toxic friends have a penchant to making you feel guilty for abandonment when they fail to monopolise your time. For instance failing to pick their calls because you were busy is interpreted as abandonment.
Suggest professional help. I believe honesty and sincerity are crucial to the growth of every relationship. Your toxic friends are not inherently bad in themselves; perhaps, they've become so due to the environment in which they were raised. If you were raised in a home where your parents were very critical of you and even people outside your nuclear family you may end up becoming very critical of other people as well. Some even mistaken such behaviour as being forthright.
I hope this information is of some help to you as you seek to cultivate meaningful and productive friendships. Cheerio…
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